Introduction

Welcome 😊

My name is Alana. I’m a 35yr old mum of 5 children. Doesn’t seem that unusual? Throw in dealing with bipolar from the age of 13?

Definitely makes things a lot more interesting 😂. To manage my manic stages, I dabble. I’ve done a lot in my life. Some great and lol some not so great…

My oldest daughter and I 💕

So I had this fantastic manic idea 💡 to start my very own amazing lifestyle blog, full of DIYS, knowledge and goodies.

Now part of a manic phase is that you feel pretty damn brilliant! Creativity pumping through you veins with enough energy to complete them all. What’s better than that?

I just quickly want to say that there is many downsides to a manic stage as well (like the massive debt I have from drastically over spending on Art & craft supplies) but I won’t get into that in my first ever post 😊

Just one corner of my “studio” 😂

So here I am feeling like I have knowledge to share with you. Even more so I have plenty of learning experiences that I need to go through to make mine and my families life better.

If I can help just one person by giving you a true, honest and raw account of my life, good or bad. It will make me so very happy.

My partner, three youngest children and I on a holiday to Stanthorpe to visit my mum 💕

I’d love for you to come on this journey with me 😊 if you ever need someone to talk too or just want advice on a DIY, I’d love to hear from you! Just head to the contact page and you’ll find everything you need to contact me.

Cheers,

Alana

Bipolar Posts (caution contains real life content)

Anxious Fear, What am I?

I have hundreds of different feelings everyday. Which feelings are correct? A lot of the time I can’t even tell what I’m feeling let alone, if it’s right to be feeling that way.

I’m at the stage that I have to call the CATT team. If I really want the help I need anyway.

See, I just typed that paragraph so simply. Yet, it absolutely terrifies me! Anxiety bubbles in my chest, breathing quickens, these intense emotions are quite unbearable.

What am I scared of? Not knowing what will happen? Will I keep on being turned away?

Will it turn out there is nothing wrong with me? Nothing at all and I’m just a sometimes weak and useless, other times an uncontrollable reckless mess of a human being?

That’s the closest to the truth.

The psychologist I had been seeing last year just kept saying. “You’ve had a traumatic life, Alana. All these feelings are normal”

I have never felt normal. I would have no idea what normal feels like. I have been this way since the age of 13, when severe suicidal depression took hold.

This is a photo of me at age 13 at a birthday party. Can you see the depression? Or is it only me that sees it?

This crippling fear is what stops me from picking up the phone and calling the CATT team, pleading for help. I just wish someone would shove me in the right direction. You know, a good old push.

I don’t know what’s worse. Thinking nothing is wrong and I’m fine or thinking something is wrong and being too gutless to do something about it?

So how do I overcome this fear? How do I stop the anxiety? I know most blogs give you the golden answer to your problems but I have no answer yet.

Do you have methods of dealing with fear and anxiety? Please share your thoughts, I’d be so very grateful.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post, it means so much to me.

Alana

Bipolar Posts (caution contains real life content)

The need for a Diagnosis Pt. 2 – The Australian public health system.

So it appears getting anywhere with the public health system is nearly impossible.

Everyone should know how hard it is to even admit you have a mental illness, let alone know when to get help when it’s needed.

It’s very easy with bipolar to think your fine, better than fine, fantastic even. Better than ever, when you are manic. So you only see doctors when your depressed. This is how I only have a diagnosis of major depression with suicidal tendencies and generalised anxiety disorder.

I sent a text to the psychologist that I had been seeing a bit last year, who is quite aware (well if she looked through her notes) of how suicidal I am.

* I’ve taken out names simply because I’m unsure if I’m legally allowed. *

Hi ——–,

My name is Alana (my last name). I don’t know if you remember me, I was seeing you a bit last year. I’m in a really bad way, am I able to get an appointment with you? I was told if I can’t get an appt. with you quickly, I should call the CAT team. Thank you, Alana

CATT – the crisis assessment and treatment team

If you are having a mental emergency in Australia, the CATT team is who you should contact. I need to get the courage and do this myself.

How to contact the CAT team

Just getting the courage to send a text admitting you need help is hard. This is the reply I received.

Hi Alana,

I’m sorry but we don’t have any appointments till the week of the 10th of December, I can put you on our waitlist if any cancellations come up if you like?

Thank you, ———-.

*Just so your aware the 10th of December was 3 weeks away*

I was not considered an emergency. She didn’t care. I felt crushed. No one cares if I live or die.

I then receive this message:

Hi Alana,

To see ———- on Mental Health Care Plan, you will need one from your Gp. The very last plan from First ——– Medical had declined with Medicare due to a First ——— issue. Once you have obtained a new MHCP we can re-book you in to see ——. Please do not hesitate to call me if need on ———–.

Thank you

———–

NNOT

So it all comes down to payment. No one cares about another’s life unless they are being paid to care. It’s truely tragic when you constantly see all these suicide prevention issues on the news, it is a MASSIVE ISSUE.

I make a doctors appointment, the earliest bulk billing appointment I can get is the 14th of January, 2019. How can I possibly last that long?

Everyday is so long and painful. I can get happy mania and sad mania. This is the second sad mania I ever remember having. I get severely depressed but I can’t sleep. I think constantly about suicide. My brain won’t shut off. I am continuously planning my own death and finalising things around the house before I go.

The scariest part of feeling like this is the anger and frustration I feel. I’m not an angry person normally. Mostly I’m calm, I prefer to not deal with drama of any kind and just keep to myself.

I’m not a mean person, I don’t wish harm on anyone. So all this anger turns onto me. I deserve this treatment, if I was normal this wouldn’t happen. I deserve to die painfully for all the wrongs I have ever made.

This message came back from the doctors:

***Good Morning

You are currently scheduled to have a Dr appointment at First —- Medical Centre on Monday 7th January at 4.00pm

Due to our Doctor having to service a Nursing Home in the district unexpectedly we have had to reschedule your appointment for Wednesday 16 January at 3.45pm

If this time does not suit please call the clinic on ———— to reschedule

We apologise for the inconvenience

Kind Regards

Reception

First ——— Medical Centre ***

Now this is confusing, my appointment was never on the 7th of January? Okay so I just decide to go on the 16th anyway.

Then yesterday I received this message:

URGENT NOTICE!

Dear patient,

Your appointment at First ——– Medical Center on the 14th of January 2019 has unfortunately needed to be cancelled due to the general practitioner you where booked in to see has had a sudden death in his family. We will contact you once confirmation is received for your new appointment time.

If you are unable to wait for our next available appointment, please call ——- Medical, ——- Medical or —— Medical to be seen.

We appoligise for this inconvenience

First ——- Medical

Now I fully understand having a death in the family is a hugely tragic event. Trust me, my father is on life support after attempting suicide and my mother has a brain tumour and only has months to live (several whole other stories there) which is partly what’s tearing me through this horrible mania.

I am left with traveling over an hour away or pay for a private doctor. We just got past Christmas, my daughters 10th birthday and about to get the kids back to school. I can’t afford to do either.

I can sometimes hold a job. I only just quit my last job weeks before Christmas, when my family needed money the most. That job only lasted 8 months. Sometimes I just crack and feel like I just can’t live through another minute doing it. Anyway yet again that’s another post, for another day.

Still, this is what I’m left dealing with. No idea when I can get help. Being nearly positive I’m not going to make it……

*my next step will hopefully be in Pt. 3, as long as I’m still around. For my kids sake, I hope so 🤞

If any true and caring psychiatrist’s in Queensland would like to treat me for free, I’m sure I’d make an interesting subject for multiple diagnoses.

Bipolar Posts (caution contains real life content)

The Need for a Diagnosis Part 1

In the throes of Mania with SOME mental clarity.

I’m writing this post out of sheer raw emotion. Please be gentle with any comments.

I was told when I was 16 that I had Bipolar. I couldn’t have ran faster from the hospital as I did that day. I don’t have that! I just want to die. Trust me, if you knew about my life you wouldn’t ask why?

I’m sure I will delve more into my crazy life in other posts anyways.

So I never went back. I was to scared to admit that I had a mental illness. I never sought treatment. This is me. Jumping from crazy new profession/idea to deep suicidal depression. I’ve now done this for 22 years. Oh sure, I’ve gone to the doctors when my family has had enough or a suicide attempt will land me there. In total I have had 8 suicide attempts. I kinda suck at it to be honest.

So here I am. 35 years old. The last thing I was told I had was GAD (Generalised anxiety disorder) & Major Depression with Suicidal thoughts. So the doctor put me on 50mg Setraline. It made me crazy suicidal. The doctor increased Setraline to 100mg, then to 200mg.

Something I painted awhile ago, depicts how I feel a lot of the time.

I’ve been slowly getting used to them. Anxiety gone. No really deep depression. The biggest thing it helped me with? Slowing my thoughts down. I didn’t even realise how fast I used to think. It gives me time to understand someone else’s point of view or finish a project instead of getting bored and jumping to the next project (mostly).

I need a proper diagnosis. My family is at the point of falling apart. I’ve broken us financially for the last time. That’s on me. I need to be on the correct medication, with the right therapy. I need to get better for my family.

This is a huge step for me. I can see a light, hope that I could get better.

Admitting bipolar, too myself and the world. Oh how my life may have been different if I’d stayed for treatment back when I was 16.

I’d also like to say that I can talk about it like this because I am manic. I am not suicidal, currently the Setraline helps with that.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Pt. 2 will be about my doctors experiences and what it takes to get a proper diagnoses.

Cheers,

Alana